i went to see we bought a zoo in the movie theater today. i went alone, sat alone and was quite content in my own company. well, i was sort of ok with it. near the end of the movie i had an epiphany, what oprah would call an aha moment. like a rapid-fire slide show i saw my life as i'm choosing to live it and knew i was not really living at all. i've isolated myself from the world and humanity in so many ways. the truth is i've been hiding out. hiding from failure and disappointment. isolating myself from challenges. filling the precious hours with joyless tasks. honestly, i just don't know what i want to do so i do very little. there i said it -- i do very little.
one of my dearest and closest friends sent me a one line fb message recently. it read: "you are the bravest person i know." i cringed inside and said to myself well i have one person fooled. i know what she meant. so many women have used the b word (brave) in connection to my decision to leave my 10 year marriage and my corporate job. as it turns out the leaving and the quitting were quite easy compared to the moving on. for years i had created a story in mind. it went like this: 50-something free-spirited woman's creativity is being doused by a claustrophobic marriage and a corporate job. all her dreams will magically come true if she can rid herself of these chains. guess what friends? i've not yet found the magic wand that will make it all happen quite so easily.
it's way past time for me to face the truth and dare to dream new dreams!
truth -- i am a rudderless boat in a slow-moving stream and the view is becoming quite boring
dare -- i dare myself to do SOMETHING -- take a class, join a book club, learn to belly dance, train for a mini marathon, anything. for god's sake, woman (that's me!!) you are rotting on the vine.
truth -- i isolate myself from joy
dare -- i dare myself to sing and dance and laugh every day!! sing out loud to the shins, dance the pony to some old time rock and roll and laugh to old movies like tootsie and trains, planes and automobiles.
truth --i need a real job with real challenges and real benefits
dare -- i dare myself to drag out those big girl panties, think outside the box and get it done already
many bloggers pick a word as their mantra for the new year. words like grow and shine and learn are popular. i've decided that for the month of january my word will be truth. i'm going to look it square in the face and stare it down. once i've peeled back all the delusions and exposed the bare naked truth, then maybe i can move on to a new word in february. i'm liking the sound of thin and young and sexy. hee hee
2 comments:
wow. I know exactly how that feels. Once you have no one to blame but yourself it's very scary. And you're still very brave and very creative, and you are so talented and smart. Great tools to start with!!
It's wierd the way our minds work... I totally understand your somewhat magical thinking. Unfortunately, even magic requires work.
Here is my personal brand new 'aha'... I love to go to the beach and pick up shells, but I stopped doing it because I didn't have anything to DO with them (like make art or something) but I recently discovered that it's okay to do something just because it makes me happy, and I don't have to have any other reason. Could have used that info about 30 years ago...
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