on sunday evening my daughter texted me, "don't be so hard on yourself."

she knows me well. i'm stubborn, independent, determined and yes, hard on myself. these traits are most evident when i get an idea for a diy project that is probably beyond my skill level. but, i want to do it myself. i know that there will be tears and cussing and massive frustration. but i want to do it myself.

here's the story.

i stumbled on a library book about vertical gardening in a raised bed. i read it front to back in an evening and made a list of what i'd have to buy: 2x6x8s, 2x2s, 2x4x8s and deck screws. at lowe's, i enlisted the help of a young man who seemed skeptical about my ability to construct a raised vegetable bed. he cut the pieces to my requested lengths and loaded it all in my van. "good luck," he said with a smile.

at Tractor Supply, i purchased a roll of rabbit fencing with the right size holes, loaded it in my van and smiled about all the veggies i would grow.

the supplies sat in the back of my van for weeks while i waited for Mother Nature to cooperate. this last sunday morning, i laid my camping tarp out on the ground in the back yard and unloaded all the supplies from my van. there was a drill bit in my drill that i needed to remove. i couldn't figure out how to remove the drill bit as it had been a couple of years since i'd used it.  i pushed every button and turned every knob. nothing worked. so, of course, i googled it. twenty minutes later i had the drill bit out and inserted the thingy that came with the box of deck screws. it fell down into the drill. i had lost the nib or jib or whatever that thingy is that holds that other thingy in the drill that allows me to screw instead of drill. it was nowhere to be found in my plastic case of drill bits. twenty minutes later i had managed to tighten the drill enough to hold that first thingy in place.

fast forward another twenty minutes and i've figured out that the screws will not drive into the yellow pine without me pre-drilling holes. out with the thingy and in with the drill bit that i think is the closest size i have to the screws i've purchased. i don't own a work table or saw horses. i'm sitting on a tarp on the ground with the 2x6x8' boards standing on their 2" sides on the ground. i attempt to drill holes into the wood while holding the drill perpendicular and horizontal to the surface. as i'm doing this i am totally aware that drilling is much more effective when drilling down vertically into a board. but i'm stubborn and determined to do it my way.

forty minutes later, i'm sweating and crying and my right hand aches from holding the drill. i have managed to drill 3 holes. each hole is way bigger than the screws i plan to use because the board keeps leaning and falling while i'm drilling. at this point my language has guttered and my sleeve is covered in snot.

i give up.

i load everything back in my van. i go inside for a shower.

i pout, stew, worry, fret and beat myself up. i eat a piece of rhubarb pie and warm up my coffee. my main train of thought is that ten years ago i could have easily built this dang thing. by myself. (i'm not 100% sure there is truth in this belief). i admit to myself that this is another indication of my pending old age. it's not just physical, it's mental. my mind fogs easily and breaks down when i let anger and frustration seep into my emotions. i feel defeated. i cry.

after reading for an hour or so i convince myself that there is no shame in asking for help. i text my son and he says of course he will help me. he said from the beginning that he would build it. i wanted to do it myself. i cry again.

a note about the tears. i am not prone to crying or feeling sorry for myself except when i'm feeling vulnerable. "i'm getting old" thoughts have creeped into my consciousness more and more lately. it's hard for me to have a strong will to fight back when the weather is cold. fighting back gets harder. giving in becomes easier. and diminished brain capacity comes with giving in. it's a vicious cycle that many (most?) of us fight. spring/summer/fall foster feeling young(er).

later that night i was reading and texting with my daughter about a random variety of things and shared a snippet of this story. that's when she strongly suggested that i not be so hard on myself.

i continued reading while letting the events of the day play out in my head. and like a light bulb being illuminated, an image of nails popped into my head. hot damn! who says i need to use an electric drill/screw driver?! a friend has loaned me a three pound hammer. i can hammer this damn raised bed together. hot damn! i'm back in the game.

my grandson Ben accompanied me to the hardware store yesterday. he knew right where the nails were. he knew to weigh them in the scale and put them into a paper bag. he said to write the price on the bag with the pencil. when i asked him if he would help me hammer the boards together he replied sure.

i still have hope of building this raised bed. but maybe not by myself.

this makes me smile

i love this time of year for the plethora of wonderful gardening mail order catalogs i receive. i can spend hours perusing the selection of plants and vegetables. i dream about the kind of garden i would have if only. if only i could garden full time. if only i had a country farmhouse with a large plot of land. if only i had access to free (or very cheap) muscle. if only the muscle was available and found me wildly mildly attractive. i digress.

this year's crop (pun intended) of gardening catalogs do not disappoint. take the new 2013 burpee catalog (not literally -- if you try to grab it, i'll smack your hand). this one is a feast for the eyes. my favorite part is the "new" section full of fun, new hybrids with entertaining names like "sweet thing hot pepper" on page 4. one 24" tall plant produces loads of 6-9" cayenne-shaped peppers that transition from green to yellow to orange to red. i imagine relaxing on the deck with a book, silently watching the peppers change colors like a family of chameleons. this makes me smile.

on page 7 i'm drawn to the "caracas carrot". only 2-3" long each carrot has a deep orange color and is loaded with flavor. i imagine myself reclining at the edge of the garden while munching on a juicy caracas and painting orange-filled paintings in my mind. this makes me smile.

and then there's the "sugar heart pea" on page 9. it's a 2012 taste test winner and totally fat free. i imagine an 8' x 10' room filled with 37 bushel baskets of different varieties of peas. in the middle of the green mounds is a wonderfully thin woman (me!) taking her fill of every single kind of 100% fat free pea. this makes me smile.

but as always, reality sets in. my gardens never live up to my expectations. i want to blame it on lack of muscle (be still my beating heart) but i know it's that my garden standards are a bit too high. i want to have meryl streep's garden in the movie it's complicated. her garden is an awesome arrangement of weed-free raised beds, each filled with a bounty of beautiful vegetables. i imagine it's me there in that garden in those super-cute bibs, with that adorable gardening hat and the harvest basket slung over my arm. the basket is filled with sweet thing peppers, caracas carrots and sugar heart peas, all the produce needed to make the awesome dinner i'm cooking for my faithful muscle man. this makes me smile.   

 

watching food grow

a few shots from the garden. that's my mom watching the food grow early one morning. it's amazing how much veggie plants can grow overnight. friday evening i planted a few more things -- pimento peppers, golden peppers, sage and greek oregano. i have 3 french lavender plants to plant as well but want to corral them so they don't spread all over the entire garden. i think i'll bury a plastic tub to plant them in. i'm very proud and happy with my garden. so looking forward to harvesting and eating all the goodies.

i'm working at the antique mall from noon to 5 today and then coming home to do some art. looks like another hot day in the making!

vintage fork plant markers

 what fun i've been having in the art room!!! last summer i bought a big plastic butter tub full of vintage silverware. it's been sitting in my art room waiting for inspiration to strike. last week out of the blue i envisioned the forks holding little original pieces of mixed media art.

 the "canvas" for each of these is two pieces of vintage sheet music glued together. the art is made of acrylics, ink and pastels. i cut the words from a 1941 thesaurus of quotations. 

 i love how cute they look in my african violet pot. i have a couple of ideas for using the spoons in the set as well. not sure about the knives yet but i'm sure something will brew to the top of my creative brain.

 the forks don't match and are different sizes and patterns. fun!

i updated my shop with a few of these, some new originals and over 35 zines and art books!! 

as i destash all my art supplies, i'm thinking about moving my bedroom into this big room (the current art room) and moving my art area into the smaller bedroom where i currently sleep. i'm liking the idea of a cozy organized art space. we shall see!

pooped in the coop

 it was a gorgeous day here in indiana today! lower temps and humidity made it feel like june. lol above is me inside the chicken run wiring the top fencing to the sides. i was absolutely pooped when my niece kyley took this photo. but the good news is that we got it all done. so glad.

here is kyley on her first day of summer vaca. she was the best helper --  helped weed, hold wires in the coop and keep us all entertained with her funny talking and stories.

here ky is sweeping out the chicken coop. she volunteered to do this and insisted on doing it all by herself. i was very proud of her. unfortunately her day ended bad. she was throwing her softball up onto the roof and it rolled off and hit her in the eye. she had a huge knot and the beginning of a black shiner. at the end of the day i was pooped in the coop and she was popped in the eye. hee hee

green acres is the place for me

despite the overwhelming amount of rain we've received my garden is looking great!  i am so proud of it. other than a tiny hobby garden i had in englewood about 10 years ago, it is the first garden i've had since i was 30. and i went BIG! i've planted strawberries, cabbage, broccoli, peppers, eggplant, banana peppers, roma tomatoes, better boy tomatoes, zucchini, summer squash, onions, carrots, green beans, peas, sugar snap peas, mesclum, spinach, romaine lettuce, acorn squash, butternut squash, watermelon, muskmelon, thyme, parsley, basil, sage, rhubarb, sweet potatoes and red potatoes. whew! i've lost track of the number of hours i've spent planting, hoeing, spreading straw, weeding, rearranging, etc. i am having fun and it is THE BEST therapy around!! above is grandson ben checking out one of the summer squash plants.

the hens continue to grow and develop their personalities. they've mastered getting in and out of the coop via the ramps we made into the run. i love sitting in the shade and watching them peck around, squabble over worms and do their little chicken dances. lol we lost one of the meat chicks over the weekend due to the extreme heat. we now have fans blowing on them. gotta to protect all those chicken dinners!!

the sweet potato slips were slow to green up and grow but have really taken off this week. can't wait to start harvesting everything. a friend of my mom's was cleaning out her mom's basement and gave us a huge stash of canning jars. thrilled to get them!! i'm looking at a small used freezer today. i'll need one in order to hold all the chickens and frozen veggies i plan to put up.

so far the rabbits have stayed out of the garden but we've seen evidence of a deer walking thru. the big holes above are hoof prints and were placed there before i strung the lines for the sugar snap peas to grow on.

i continue to love this life i'm creating away from the stress and chaos of big city life and corporate work. as i drive from place to place in the countryside my eyes have started to search for a small hobby farm to rent. emphasis on small!!! all i need is a tiny house with a small barn or shed and a spot for a garden and the chicks. a pond would be nice and lots of shade trees. dream on, dream on -- in a good way!!!

happiness dwells here

she wakes to the sound of a motor purring softly at her side. radiating warmth and yawning widely the "motor" stretches out and then softly nudges to be petted. she stretches as well and gently scratches between the cat's ears. she hears the birds twittering madly in the trees and a lawn mower at work down the street. opening her eyes she senses the sunshine peeking thru the blinds. yay, she thinks, i can work outside but just a few more minutes of this blissful wakening. this quiet moment of gratitude for this much-dreamed of life that has come true.

with coffee on her mind, she arises and heads for the kitchen. cat meows and dances her between the legs sashay which translates to feed me, feed me now. a can of fancy feast turkey in gravy spoons its way into the red cat bowl. a few sprinkles of cat chow and she heads to the living room to open the mini blinds. satisfied with the luminous light filling the room and her life, she leisurely makes coffee.

she grabs her current read "and i shall find some peace there" by margaret roach and settles into her fave porch chair for caffeine and inspiration. this book is one of many that she has read recently about women leaving their corporate jobs to find happiness and fulfillment by simplifying their lives. she finds solace in their stories and affirmation that her quest is not completely insane.

a passing car diverts her attention to the bed of iris at the front of her house. planted by a long-gone previous tenant, she is delighted by the quantity and variety of irises that greeted her this spring. on a whim she grabs her nikon and heads out for an ab-lib photo session, her favorite kind. her heart soars as she sees the remains of last night's rain shower. millions of sparkling rain drops bling the flower bed. these are my diamonds, she thinks, my much-cherished gems. and she gathers them one by one, capturing each shiny droplet in eternal images of delight. and she knows that happiness dwells here just like she always knew it would.