seeing all the world's possibilities
taking time to heal
this is where i'm dwelling now . . . on me and healing and getting better and getting over whatever has been ailing me for a couple of years. i've hinted at it a few times here and maybe said it right out loud. i suffer from depression. this has been quite a battle for me because my entire life i've been a happy-go-lucky gal who laughs at all of life's trials. i was never one to dwell on me or feel sad or take life too seriously. looking back i can see the series of events that lead me down this current path -- ailing parents, the loss of an adored job, the loss of fantastic work friends, the isolation, a new stressful unfulfilling job, and relationship challenges. the truth is i let it all get to me and became overwhelmed. i did not reach out for help, share my feelings with others or nurture myself. i simply plunged on and let it pile up on me.
it got so bad that last september i left my husband and moved to my hometown. last month i quit my job. the idea of getting a new job is scary and weighs me down. i know the reality -- my money will not last forever and i will need to have additional income. but i find myself channeling scarlett o'hara and whispering tomorrow. maybe i'll be able to focus on that tomorrow.
i've had over a month to simply be, to sleep and meditate on my life and heal. surrounded by my family and the overwhelming support of my daughter i have started to put the pieces of my life back together. the spring weather has helped immensely. my doctor switched me to a new med last week and already i feel a big difference.
but, the bottom line is that i need to see someone who can give me the professional help i need to finish the healing process. it has taken me getting better to realize that this is the next step (even though so many people have encouraged me to do so for some time). a month ago i was still too overwhelmed by the heaviness to focus. i do not want to be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life. i want to return to that free-spirited gal who loved every second of her life. despite my desire to do it all alone, i know that i cannot.
what is most frustrating is that i have NOTHING to be depressed about. i am so very blessed in my life. when i look at the world and what others battle and endure, i am ashamed that i feel depressed. and, that is how i know that this is clinical and a sickness that i must treat medically and psychologically.
why am i sharing this with all of you? it is simple . . . so i can tell others that you really can't fight depression alone. that you need to get help. do it early on before the burden becomes so heavy that you have no fight left and the only course you have is flight. because that is what i've done -- flown from everything that i couldn't deal with.
if you know someone who suffers from depression, please pass this on. my heart goes out to each and every person who is battling this.
((hugs)) to all of you for continuing to listen and support me. it means a lot!!