Monday, April 11, 2011

looking up

 seeing all the world's possibilities

  embracing hope


 nurturing self

 taking time to heal

this is where i'm dwelling now . . . on me and healing and getting better and getting over whatever has been ailing me for a couple of years. i've hinted at it a few times here and maybe said it right out loud. i suffer from depression. this has been quite a battle for me because my entire life i've been a happy-go-lucky gal who laughs at all of life's trials. i was never one to dwell on me or feel sad or take life too seriously. looking back i can see the series of events that lead me down this current path -- ailing parents, the loss of an adored job, the loss of fantastic work friends, the isolation, a new stressful unfulfilling job, and relationship challenges. the truth is i let it all get to me and became overwhelmed. i did not reach out for help, share my feelings with others or nurture myself. i simply plunged on and let it pile up on me.

it got so bad that last september i left my husband and moved to my hometown. last month i quit my job. the idea of getting a new job is scary and weighs me down. i know the reality -- my money will not last forever and i will need to have additional income. but i find myself channeling scarlett o'hara and whispering tomorrow. maybe i'll be able to focus on that tomorrow.

i've had over a month to simply be, to sleep and meditate on my life and heal. surrounded by my family and the overwhelming support of my daughter i have started to put the pieces of my life back together. the spring weather has helped immensely. my doctor switched me to a new med last week and already i feel a big difference.

but, the bottom line is that i need to see someone who can give me the professional help i need to finish the healing process. it has taken me getting better to realize that this is the next step (even though so many people have encouraged me to do so for some time). a month ago i was still too overwhelmed by the heaviness to focus. i do not want to be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life. i want to return to that free-spirited gal who loved every second of her life. despite my desire to do it all alone, i know that i cannot.

what is most frustrating is that i have NOTHING to be depressed about. i am so very blessed in my life. when i look at the world and what others battle and endure, i am ashamed that i feel depressed. and, that is how i know that this is clinical and a sickness that i must treat medically and psychologically.

why am i sharing this with all of you? it is simple . . . so i can tell others that you really can't fight depression alone. that you need to get help. do it early on before the burden becomes so heavy that you have no fight left and the only course you have is flight. because that is what i've done -- flown from everything that i couldn't deal with.

if you know someone who suffers from depression, please pass this on. my heart goes out to each and every person who is battling this.

((hugs)) to all of you for continuing to listen and support me. it means a lot!!


Christine said...

Julie good luck with your battle, be strong and seek the help if you need it. It's good to express it, I think.

lori vliegen said...

dear sweet julie.......i'm so sorry that you've gone through such a difficult time, but i'm glad that you're at a point now where you can see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel (even if it's a pinpoint, it counts!!). continue healing each and every day.....and know that you are in my prayers. xox

Porch Days said...

Julie, at least you are getting help and there is more help coming. Don't they now think it is partly chemical and has nothing to do with whether you have anything to be depressed about? I was hoping you were making money from your art and would not have to get another job you didn't like!

I once took an anti-depressant for severe PMS. It kept away my migraines. But I was euphorically happy while I was taking it. I miss that feeling. Nancy

RNSANE said...

My heart goes out to you, Julie. I know that, in these two years since my job of 21 years ended, my life has changed radically and I am well aware that I have been deprressed. I'm not on medication but I have thought of getting into therapy. It was hard losing the forensic nursing profession that I love so much and, though I had very close friends in the field, we seem distant from each other now.

Blogging has helped me tremendously and been a connection to the world. I still think therapy would help, though, and I plan to see someone, at least short term.

steviewren said...

I often feel hopeless...not in the way I used to feel depressed...I'm sure it has something to do with hormones...or the lack...not sure what. Some days are good and some aren't. But one thing I do know...everything is better when the sun is shining.

Best wishes. You sound like you are on the right path. Rest and feel better.

Susan said...

As someone who has also suffered my whole life from depression and social anxiety I really relate to this post.

I think the biggest and most troubling myth about depression is that idea that "what do you have to be depressed about". I don't currently take medication, but I have in the past and I still battle the up hill struggle almost every day.

Mine (as you know) is like a heavy blanket of sadness - the news is so shockingly disturbing so much of the time. Globally as well as in our individual own back yards. I try to close my eyes & ears to much of what goes on as I easily become completely haunted by so many things. I think it's great that you are opening up about your struggles and you will help others by doing so.
Rock Steady Sweet One !! xo S

Christine's Arts said...

You are right on there, that we can't do it alone. I am the "I can take care of myself." type and it took me a long time to ask for help. Which I am so glad that I did. You have a wonderful blog and I enjoyed perusing very much. Thanks for posting. Keep on keeping on.

PrairiePeasant said...

Julie, depression is an illness and can affect anyone, no matter how positive or negative things in their life are. I'm glad that you are working on the road to recovery. Just remember that it is a process, sometimes lifelong, and you've shown tremendous courage and strength that will help you through it. Some people do have to be on medications for the long term, and if it helps them live life to the fullest, that's not a bad thing. Sending healing wishes your way!