lately i've been wondering about those people who seem to be content to simply be. laid-back and happily content, they don't seem to question their existence or place in the world. do they secretly yearn to be more? has some light illuminated them to a secret truth i've not yet learned? do they laugh at the constantly buzzing bees like me who can't seem to light on any one thing for any length of time? whereas i scurry to create and learn and plan and scheme and maybe even prove something, they watch quietly from the sidelines.
when i decided to quit my corporate job a few months ago a part of me wanted to simply be. i was burned out, waaay out. i felt like i had not let myself simply be for a long time, maybe never. for a month or so i vegged out and did as little as possible. but as soon as the sun warmed the earth my simply be mode rapidly kicked into a new notched-up gear. spading earth, planting veggies, hoeing weeds, building fence, hammering up nesting boxes and roosting poles, mucking the chicken house and much more has consumed me. this week i've silently asked myself -- are you trying to work off some debt? pay a fine? prove something? is your slaving a way to hide from something? where is all of this taking you?
i have only a few glimmers of insight into the answers. work has been a kind of mind-numbing therapy. sore muscles at the end of the day actually feel good. doing it myself, all by myself, can be daunting and frustrating and physically challenging. yelling a few obscenities when the lid of the chicken watering can won't budge is an exhilarating cathartic rush. taking a deep breath and slowing down actually works. i haven't figured out exactly what i want to do in life; it is easy to know what i will choose not to do again. it's ok to be sad and cry once in a while. mom's (apple or cherry or strawberry cream or butterscotch) pie heals (almost) all wounds. this all just part of the journey. try to enjoy it.
as i'm writing this i promise myself that i will take one day a week to simply be. but even as i'm typing these words i know that i'll need to modify that promise from one day to one hour.
6 comments:
Cry and pie, yup sounds good, simply be, even better. I would guess that like anything else we do in life, the more we allow it in the more it becomes part of our existence. xox Corrime
So well said, Julie. I have those same questions, and somedays I am able to simply be. I've been getting better at trying to let things go, at least what I can, and then figure out how to juggle the rest while finding time to simply be. Leaving the 8-5 grind and mucking chicken coops actually sounds pretty attractive right now! i think this may be just the change you needed.
You can simply be even while you're buzzing around like a bee, as long as you're enjoying the flower you're buzzing around. I agree, though...it is hard to just sit down and take it all in. I try to do it occasionally and I end up feeling guilty because I know there is something else I should probably be doing. Great post!
This was a good post, Julie. Even as I am 2-1/2 years from the end of my job, I am still not at peace, missing work, unhappy with my life. I think, perhaps, I need to start therapy! I hate the poverty the job loss has forced on me, miss all that I used to be able to do, especially the travel. You seem to be making adjustments in your life pretty well though I know it hasn't come so easily.
I remember even at 17 saying I had to "work at relaxing." My mind reverberates with questions, but I am slowly learning that my thinking cannot always guide me, especially when it takes me out of the present moment to the point of eroding whatever I could learn there. I also would concur that butterscotch pie could heal many many ills. . .
Julie, I loved every single hour of the eight months that I was laid off. I didn't accomplish as much with my time as I had hoped too, but I relished the ability to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
That said, I guess my message is relish being able to be.
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